liz is changing her name. aargh. liz might be excessively angsty and neurotic about changing her name.

i had to think about it for ages. and ages. and ages. And then more. I got headaches. I got bitchy. I got pissed off at the massive historical patriarchy and at the way i wanted to be a feminist and that they might not think i was. I was annoyed at my parents for giving me four names in the first place that i couldn't even use. I was annoyed at my mom for keeping her name and making me explain to every teacher and gym coach and school nurse that yes she's my mom, and yes i lived with her, and yes she married my dad, and yes they're still together, between pre-K and - well, people still get confused. I'm still annoyed that even if i kept my name, it's not that i don't have a man's name because it's not my husband's, i just have my father's and grandfather's names instead. And those aren't even the halves of the families i'm close to, you know? If i kept my dad's name, it's still not my grandmother's name, so what's the freaking point? And it's not like it was hers to begin with, either. It's men the whole way back. So how does it matter if i have this man's name, or that man's name, or the other one? And i got more pissed at the vast right-wing patriarchical conspiracy.

And i can't use my name as-is, now, either, legally, it's not on anything. Because it's too freaking long. I lose an initial or an entire middle name, now, no matter what, at least, if i even get a space for even one middle initial or name in the first place. Nothing has both middle names on it. As in, nothing. So it's mine but i can't use it. i've never been able to use it. Like having a fantastic European cappucino machine that you can't find electrical-plug converters for.

I can't use my name as-is.
I might as well have a man's name from a man that i chose for myself.