frequently asked questions

when is it?

see schedule.I am updating this as things become clear.

when does the reception end?

i think we officially have the hall until midnight. Since we have it for, you know, the day.

where is it?

Culver, Indiana. At the Woodcraft Camp of Culver Academy. Two-story building with a nice staircase and a porch running around the outside. Ceremony to take place (weather permitting) under the nice trees nearby. Reception to occur mostly upstairs and/or outside. See more about our location, and see assorted maps.

what should i wear?

Liz is wearing a pretty white dress, but it's not pouffy. Matt is wearing a nice grey suit, not a tux. You should wear comfortable shoes. We're not black tie, but not quite shorts-and-barefoot, either. Don't come naked, maybe.

can i bring a date?

We do have a limited budget, so if you would like to bring an And Guest, please stick to fairly-significant-others. It's fine, though, you just have to tell us.

where is the honeymoon?

Jamaica. Specifically, CSA. Six days. Oh yeah.

is liz changing her name? is matt?

liz - after much consideration, yes. matt - not right now.

who's in the wedding party? is there a wedding party?

Our friend Taylor is going to be our officiant. Our parents and siblings are going to "stand up" with us.

who else is going?

matt's family, including his parents, James and Patricia Watson, and his brother, Adam; liz's family, including her parents, Ralph McGrew and Alexandra Heder, and her brother, Richard; matt's and liz's extended families, including aunts and uncles and cousins and cousins-in-law and their children and several of matt's grandparents; and matt's and liz's assorted friends, cohorts, and accomplices, from new york, illinois, beloit, and texas.

was liz really raised quaker? are you having a quaker wedding? what can you tell me about quakers and quaker weddings?

yes, liz was really raised quaker.

We are not having a quaker wedding, but will be having a period of unscripted ("silent") time in which we welcome those who feel led to speak as they like. Poetry, singing, planned, or off-the-cuff speeches are welcome during this time.

see more on Quakers and Quaker weddings.

when are you having children?

what are you talking about - we already have two dogs to raise!

why are you getting married when you already have a 30-year mortgage?

Because we love each other, and we like throwing parties.

schedule. There will be a mini-rehearsal event for family at some point on may 27, likely to include dinner and champagne. Further details (really, we haven't decided anything about this yet) TBA.

Anyone:Any bachelor/ette type events will occur after the mini-rehearsal event on Friday, may 27, and are TBA, and will not be particularly racy as nobody wants a hangover on their wedding day!!!

Everyone: WEDDING CEREMONY is may 28, 2005, at 4:00 p.m., Central time, in Culver, Indiana. Wear comfy shoes.

Everyone: RECEPTION is dinner at 5 (or immediately following). There will be beer and barbecue. Vegetarians are provided for; those who think liquor makes an event special (or extra-toasty) are welcome to bring it. Reception goes until midnight or everyone gets sleepy, whichever comes first (or if midnight comes first, reception Moves to the Super 8 Motel in Plymouth).

There will be a brunch event for everyone who's still in town on the morning of Sunday, may 29. (This is entirely TBA. But it will happen. And there will be plenty of electrolytes.)

At some point following the honeymoon (see below), there will be a party in Texas. Also TBA. Probably the weekend of June 19th so as not to jumble up too much against other people's weddings and/or canoe races.

maps to and of culver and driving directions culver academies' map - woodcraft camp, in the lower right corner past the tennis courts toward the lake, i think. We'll put up signs.
driving directions to culver academies by the school, with links to very specific directions from Midway/Ohare/Chicago/Decatur/Illinois, Indianapolis/Indiana, Madison/Wisconsin, michigan, and eastern locations...
culver, IN by mapquest, which if you enter your address, it can give you reliable directions.
culver, IN by google maps.

also, weather of nearby South Bend, IN by weather underground.

quakers and quaker weddings. liz was raised quaker. Don't get all shocked, it's not like that.

info specifically on quaker weddings:
a typical Quaker marriage ceremony
faith and practise section that includes the bit on marriage and weddings
a couples' little blurb about their Quaker wedding
Beliefnet person wonders what to expect

quaker weddings. quaker weddings are just like normal quaker meetings - everyone sits quietly in a room where all the chairs face the centre. Those who feel led to speak, do so. There is no flower-girl-bridesmaids-bride procession, and no organ music, and the FOB doesn't walk the bride in (and he certainly doesn't "give the woman away"!) because the bride and groom come in together and sit. When the bride and groom feel led to marry, they stand up and recite their vows (approximately, "In the presence of God and these our friends, I take thee ___ to be my wife/husband, promising with Divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful wife/husband so long as we both shall live.") They sign the marriage certificate and it is read aloud. They sit back down and meeting continues until an hour has passed from the start, and everyone and anyone in attendance is still welcome to speak as they like - then when the hour is up, everyone shakes hands, and then, everyone (but, everyone - i felt awfully important when i got to sign one when i was five) signs the marriage certificate. In my personal experience, this is usually followed by a potluck lunch on the grass.

things written by non-quakers attending Quaker weddings:one, two, three

our wedding. while liz and matt are having an Ordained Person doing a Ceremony (i.e., by the power vested in Taylor by the internet) there will be an Unscripted Time during which we welcome those in attendance to speak. You may surprise yourself and "feel led" to say something. Go for it. :)

quakers. liz was never baptized, there aren't any ministers, priests et c., it's very d.i.y. and coming to it on your own terms. there's faith and practise, which is sort of .. well .. they say in the second sentence not to go by the letter. so. but it's online in its entirety. also the beliefnet website is, um, okay. And has good links. There are several different sorts of quakers and mine are the unprogrammed version (as opposed to programmed or Evangelical - there are thousands of evangelical ones in Ethiopia, all the missionaries are evangelical - one came to our house once - and they're certainly very nice but more, um, Jesus-y than we are - and the programmed ones have their own yearly meetings and national conferences, et c). there are pamphlets from Philly yearly meeting about quakerism in general - quakers are organized by monthly (town/city) and yearly (typically statewide) meetings, only monthly meetings meet every week - and there's nationwide conferences every 3 years i think as well though i've never been to one of those. Some of these publications are really cool - i like this one - we can all pretty much agree on that. some of the pamphlets have jesus and god in them. but quakerism goes so well with any of the meditative eastern-type religions, and a lot of people get along really well with the dalai lama. the dalai lama would fit in just fine.

um. the american friends service committee won the nobel peace prize, in the 40s i think. yes. 1947. together with the british one.

misconceptions about quakers.The thee and thou thing that people associate with quakers doesn't really happen at all - it was in use because that's the informal kind of english, like 'tu' instead of 'vous' in french - 'you' is formal and falsely honorary and 'thee' is on-par-with-me. quakers are not mennonites or amish and they cut their hair in normal hair salons and wear dyed clothes and wear hats or don't wear hats as they see fit and use zippers and computers and cars and normal doctors and air conditioning and while they might avoid KFC for their evil chicken farming practices or Burger King because they're mowing down the rainforest we're not remotely kosher or anything like that. um. quakers have nothing to do with oatmeal or with engine oil and those companies chose their names because quakers were renowened for their honesty and being associated with them made those companies seem extra trustworthy. quakers are called quakers by, um, everybody, though the actual name is the Religious Society of Friends, because George Fox was libelled by a judge and because the Shakers were formed around the same time. quakers do not put their hands on the bible in court and get sworn in, and the court is okay with this. um. questions? Ask.

finally, for those lucky people who already knew all of this:
quaker jokes pages.

liz is changing her name. aargh. liz might be excessively angsty and neurotic about changing her name.

i had to think about it for ages. and ages. and ages. And then more. I got headaches. I got bitchy. I got pissed off at the massive historical patriarchy and at the way i wanted to be a feminist and that they might not think i was. I was annoyed at my parents for giving me four names in the first place that i couldn't even use. I was annoyed at my mom for keeping her name and making me explain to every teacher and gym coach and school nurse that yes she's my mom, and yes i lived with her, and yes she married my dad, and yes they're still together, between pre-K and - well, people still get confused. I'm still annoyed that even if i kept my name, it's not that i don't have a man's name because it's not my husband's, i just have my father's and grandfather's names instead. And those aren't even the halves of the families i'm close to, you know? If i kept my dad's name, it's still not my grandmother's name, so what's the freaking point? And it's not like it was hers to begin with, either. It's men the whole way back. So how does it matter if i have this man's name, or that man's name, or the other one? And i got more pissed at the vast right-wing patriarchical conspiracy.

And i can't use my name as-is, now, either, legally, it's not on anything. Because it's too freaking long. I lose an initial or an entire middle name, now, no matter what, at least, if i even get a space for even one middle initial or name in the first place. Nothing has both middle names on it. As in, nothing. So it's mine but i can't use it. i've never been able to use it. Like having a fantastic European cappucino machine that you can't find electrical-plug converters for.

I can't use my name as-is.
I might as well have a man's name from a man that i chose for myself.

1,138 is the number of benefits and provisions applying to married people in the United States that cannot be created for non-married partners by a lawyer.

about the bride and groom.
They met, originally, probably, in august of 1997 (which, for those of you that are counting, was the first week liz was at college). They started dating in approximately February of 1999, had a long-distance thing for almost a year in 2000, moved cross-country and in together in 2001, bought a house in 2002, and became engaged in January 2004.

liz (the bride) grew up in binghamton, NY, where she was terrible at soccer, but they let her play anyway. She went to high school at Oakwood Friends School in Poughkeepsie, where she (on the whole) had a lovely time. She also went to Powell House a lot and was eventually a junior counselor. liz went to Beloit College in Wisconsin and got a BS in molecular biology, and now has a real 8-to-5 job in a cube farm. liz is learning to cook and is becoming adept at stir fry, but doesn't have the patience for baking. she has also made several attempts at reading Ulysses.

matt (the groom) was born in chicago but shortly thereafter moved to decatur, IL. He was lucky enough to play the violin in the school band, and went all the way to Eagle Scout, as well as making time for native american dancing. matt also graduated from Beloit, and they made him president of his fraternity (Phi Kappa Psi) and head residential assistant. He's now working on a Ph.D at Texas A&M in biochemistry (and is about halfway - and, yes, they pay him), agility classes for our two dogs, and getting his World of Warcraft rogue to lvl60. matt really likes the movie the boondock saints.

They both go canoeing a lot, including the Texas Water Safari, which matt did and liz cheered on primarily from the comfort of their own home (they reccomend the Little River, Little Colorado, and San Marcos and Guadalupe rivers). Their dogs are named Emily (a.k.a. Dog Number One, a.k.a. Monster, a.k.a. Kitten, who is part german shepherd) and Denali (a.k.a. Dog Number Two, a.k.a. Tweety Bird, a.k.a. The Neediest Dog on the Face of the Planet, who is part coyote). They both go to the Fox and Hound English Pub & Grille on Thursdays, which is $2 pint night, but which is, sadly, a chain of atrocious bars exactly like every other chain of atrocious bars. Revolution in downtown Bryan is much better, but doesn't have Fat Tire on tap.

our location is a tornado shelter. and that's not symbolic of anything. It's on top of and outside a tornado shelter, really. It's two doors down from the location we were originally considering, and has a big walkaround porch the whole way around, and nice stairs on the front, which can be decorated with christmas lights and/or luminaries. The interior upstairs has small-nap carpet that is perfectly good for dancing on, and is huge, and has big wood beams going across the tall ceiling that isn't a cathedral because it's wood and not artsy. Big wood beams are going to have more christmas lights (go Boxing Day sale and Aunt N, woo woo woo!) and possibly tulle or flowers or some random alternate thing (hooray for Aunt C!). Lots of round tables, several sort of arc-shaped tables, several old-school rectangular tables. Lots of electrical plugs, by which i mean, on top of every 3rd beam or so, there are boxes of 4, every couple of feet. They planned this place right. But. The bathrooms are downstairs (in the tornado shelter part) and the only way to get downstairs is to go outside. Which is okay. But just kind of funny.

The ceremony will, weather permitting, which it really ought to be, take place outside under the nice grove of trees. Which is only a little bit of a walk, nothing really. And we like trees. And the ceremony probably won't be very long so we're not going to do many chairs except for, well, m's grandma, really. Maybe some others. But probably not many. (Bring blankets to sit on if you like.) If weather is not permitting, there are a couple of options, which would be decided depending on exactly how the weather is not permitting. There are assorted porches and other areas. But, hey, we've got a tornado shelter, here.

The reception will be immediately following - and possibly preceding as well - in the upstairs half of the tornado shelter, and will feature barbecue and salads (which will be vegetarian, i made sure) and nice breads and cheeses and as soon as we get around to it beer and wedding cake. There will probably be music of some sort. Dinner at 5. Reception will continue until, um, everyone passes out or goes home.

The Postwedding Brunch will be in Plymouth, Indiana, with more information posted as, i, um, get more information.

The Texas Reception will be at Revolution, which has a street address at 211 S Main in downtown Bryan, but which is really on Carnegie Alley. Revolution is a lovely little bar with great sangria and, now, it has fat tire (as well as guinness, i think) on tap. We're going to organize sandwiches or fruity trays or something, and of course it's a bar, so there's that, too. :) Note that Revolution is not very big and is mostly outdoors.

registry and gift information we don't need presents. Really we'd just like to see people there. And whatever my mother says, we invited you for one reason, and one reason only: because we hoped you could make it to our shindig! But we registered. At bed, bath, and beyond, registry number 1593153. Because they have nice things. But really we, er, um, well, we could put money on the house, too, and that might be good. Only it's totally impolite to say so. oh, and, while i'm throwing monkey poo at ettiquette, we have bad luck with crystal. And i'm pretty sure that's a violent, flagrant transgression of everything miss manners stands for. ahh, please don't hate us. Don't think we're barbarians (well, maybe do, but not for this).

Alternatively, if one might wish to give a donation instead of a present, we like Freedom To Marry.org, which works for marriage equality nationwide. The United Nations World Food Programme is also full of lovely people while being less, ah, controversial.

nearby Airports Chicago-Ohare (ORD). Bigbig chicago airport. served by: literally all major airlines, but not so much with the discounts. American hub. United hub. Nice airport. Big. Many car rental places. Bus service to Madison, Milwaukee, South Bend. Possibly my favorite airport in this hemisphere.

Chicago-midway, in south chicago (MDW). served by: airtran, american, ata, canjet, comair, continental, delta, frontier, northwest, southwest, usair. i've never been there. Presumably has car rental.

South Bend airport, probably the closest small-to-medium airport nearby (SBN). served by: Delta, United, Northwest, Continental. very interesting: bus service to Midway and OHare. Also has car rental.

Indianapolis (IND). served by: american, america west, ATA, continental, delta, frontier, independence, northwest, southwest, united, usair. Has car rental.

fort wayne (FWA). eastern indiana - probably technically closer than IND. served by: american, ATA, continental, delta, northwest, united. I have no idea what this place has going for it.

Gary airport (GYY). served by: southeast, hooters air, casino express. I'm so not kidding.

accomondations in culver, indiana. Thirty rooms with mostly two queen beds each have been reserved for friday the 27th and saturday the 28th for the watson-mcgrew wedding at the Super 8 Motel on the near side of Plymouth. Probably the cheapest option at $54/nite for four people; please, everyone bunch up so you all have a place to stay. There is a limited amount of hotel space to go around. 2160 North Oak Rd., Plymouth, IN, 46563:(574)936-8856. Note that any bachelor/ette genre events (to which, i'm sure, anyone who would like to show up and pay for their own drinks is invited) will occur on that friday so any attendees ought to have a place to crash and, preferably, a designated driver already chosen. Note also that Culver is in the Central (i.e., Chicago) time zone at that part of year. Note thirdly that nobody wants to have a hangover at a wedding - hangovers are for after the wedding. Watsons have places to stay with family, we're assuming; McGrews (and H's, and C's, and, um, possibly a G) are grouping up in three condominiums near the public beach, movie theater, and root beer stand, in the middle of town. Matt and Liz are renting a house but there will not, repeat, not, be room for everyone in it, as everyone is a Very Large Number of People. call us for more information on our renting a house (T gets to stay with us as he's our officiant); to rent a house of your own, susie mahler of culverreservations.com has been very accomodating and also has more condos (if you act now!) of the type that the McGrews/Hs are renting as well as apartments. For those that can afford it, the Swan Lake Golf Resort (5203 Plymouth LaPorte Trail, Plymouth, IN 46563, (574)935-5680, (800)582-7539) is very nice, but more like $120/nite (and we didn't think we had enough people to get a group rate there).

More options to stay include:

Private Lake Houses for rent by owners. See also more vacation rentals. See also still more vacation rentals. See also enough vacation rentals, already (susie). Get enough people together and the prices on these become much more affordable.
Culver Cove, rentable luxury condominiums with kitchens, living rooms, fireplaces, and a beautiful view of Lake Maxinkuckee.	319 E. Jefferson Culver, IN 46511 (574)842-2683
Inn by the Lake - cute, cute, cute little hotel. Only, maybe, five rooms, though, each of which has a Theme. That's five rooms, total. Not a bed & breakfast.	830 Lakeshore Drive Culver, IN 46511 (574)842-4780
Holiday Inn Express in Plymouth (Plymouth is a fifteen minute drive)	2619 N. Michigan Street Plymouth, IN 46563 (574)936-2444
Days Inn in Plymouth	2229 N. Michigan St. Plymouth, IN 46563 1-800-Days Inn (574)935-4276
Villager Lodge in Plymouth - typical motel	2535 N. Michigan St. Plymouth, IN 46563 (574)935-5911
Super 8 Motel (laura) in Plymouth. Probably the cheapest option at $60/nite.	2160 North Oak Rd. Plymouth, IN 46563 (574)936-8856
Swan Lake Golf Resort in Plymouth. Pricier than the grad school types are going to be into, but nice for various aunts or uncles that like golf.	5203 Plymouth LaPorte Trail Plymouth, IN 46563 (574)935-5680 (800)582-7539
Black Horse Bed & Breakfast - three rooms, and a pool, i think.	16412 State Road 10 Culver, IN 46511 (574)842-8928
Culver bed & breakfast. Five rooms; shared bathrooms; five blocks from the lake.	203 Lake Shore Drive Culver, IN 46511 1-574-842-4009
more culver-accomodations-lists. And even more culver-accomodations-lists.

couples swept away, negril. so the place at which our honeymoon is now booked gets pretty good reviews from all those customer websites. But. it gets negative reviews too. Only it gets funny ones. (if i could do this with the voices, i would.) see the following, which are not quoted *exactly* verbatim, but i think the gist is the same - hear them being read very nasal, very whiney, very stupid-

• the food is too spicy, i don't like it.
• i don't like Red Stripe beer.
• i hate being offered pot.
• they have gay people here.
• they have live reggae every night until eleven.
• i want to die.
• i can't have any fun.
• i hate myself.

okay, maybe i made up the last few. The vast majority of complaints - which is maybe like 5% of the customer responses - are about total plusses. live reggae every night? come on. the one vaguely legitimate complaint people seem to have about the place is that there are bugs in jamaica. But, hey, there are bugs in jamaica. So deal with it, asshats.

yahweh? inanna? ometotchtli? whatever. article on slate about un-religious ritual. see also SecularCeremonies, which has good sane-making advice. how much do we want to include god? if at all? my parents are both quakers; m's dad is, i'm pretty sure, an atheist; his mom was (again, i'm pretty sure) raised methodist but i'm not certain she goes except on holidays, any more. my parents still go. i went when i was a kid. i don't think m did. if m doesn't want to include any mention of god, ... am i okay with that? if i'm happily standing under a lovely tree on a hill with the lake and the flowers and ... i mean, do i really need to inform people that god is there? can't the people who want god to be there, tell that god is obviously there whether we're talking about it or not, and the others (m's dad, for ex.) be happy with the tree and the hill and the lake and the flowers? ...i think i'm okay with that. i still like the reading from Ruth but it can be edited and keep the same tone. and if we're only having a five-minute ceremony we can't ... there won't be much to it anyway. oo, we could have a Moment of Silence (or a Minute or Two of Silence, to be quakerly) in which we ask guests to bless us / our union / something like that. i like that idea, i think. and certainly if anybody feels Led to Speak (and i'm seeing m's family beforehand, so i can sort of .. explain this to them and make them ...get it) then of course that's fine. and i guess we'll have programs (that was a really handy thing to have at the Hindu wedding we went to, which was a little more out of the beaten path than a Minute or Two of Silence at a half-quaker wedding, or maybe quite a bit more off the beaten path around here anyway, but the program was nice to have and we certainly agreed on that). Ought to call m. Ok.

haha! what would LOKI do? lol.

ULC & indiana

Ministers of the gospel and priests of every church throughout the state may perform marriages. ---Ministers must return the marriage license and a certificate of marriage to the clerk of the circuit court within 3 months after the marriage. ---For questions see the clerk of the circuit court. ---From http://www.ulc.net/laws.html.

so if T is a 'minister of the gospel,' being an ordained minister and also a christian himself, even if we aren't particularly concerned with the christian part out our ceremony, then that totally counts, right? ... aha, rock on:

Information Maintained by the Office of Code Revision Indiana Legislative Services Agency
Persons authorized to solemnize marriages. Marriages may be solemnized by any of the following:

1. A member of the clergy of a religious organization (even if the cleric does not perform religious functions for an individual congregation), such as a minister of the gospel, a priest, a bishop, an archbishop, or a rabbi.
2. A judge.
3. A mayor, within the mayor's county.
4. A clerk or a clerk-treasurer of a city or town, within a county in which the city or town is located.
5. A clerk of the circuit court.
6. The Friends Church, in accordance with the rules of the Friends Church.
7. The German Baptists, in accordance with the rules of their society.
8. The Bahai faith, in accordance with the rules of the Bahai faith.
9. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, in accordance with the rules of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
10. An imam of a masjid (mosque), in accordance with the rules of the religion of Islam.

As added by P.L.1-1997, SEC.3. Amended by P.L.34-1999, SEC.1. From http://www.state.in.us/legislative/ic/code/title31/ar11/ch6.html

he so qualifies. rock on, ulc.

m and i are going to have this big party.

during which we will become Married.

whee!